i was born this way...

One of my favorite books is Delta of Venus by Anais Nin..
I'm now in the middle of Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.. quickly situating itself amongst my favorites.

Delta of Venus was a collection of short, perverted stories. Stories of rape, perversion, voyeurism, pedophilia, fetishes, drug abuse, and everything of the hellish sort.
But this book proved to me the power and influence in words, with intent. The way she wrote these stories not only brought you into the minds of those society would deem irredeemable, but you finish each story understanding and even forgiving the fictional pedophile you had just read about.

This brings me to Lolita. The character Humbert. He is a loudly self-professed lover of young girls. He knows and admits his taste isn't an accepted or even a morally sound one, yet he is what he is.

But as you read on, you realize the cause and the story behind his obsession. Humbert fell in love at the tender age of 12. (and no, it wasn't with an infant, but a girl his same age). He had a summer fling, one of those flings that are filled with moments that linger in the eye of your mind for a lifetime. His love affair climaxed one night where the throws of their love were interrupted, as we've all experienced, by his lover's mother calling her back into the house.. It was after all, far too late for a girl that age to be out, and much too early for her to be letting a young boy fondle her. Long story short, that night Humbert experienced the most extremes of passion (for a boy his age), and was left with the feeling of something uncompleted. Untouched dreams. A cake tasted but uneaten.

Four months later, much to his devastation, Humbert learns that his little Annabel has passed away due to Malaria. (or some other illness still deadly at those times).
Anyway, to make this brief... he lives his life, still in love and impassioned by her. He grows older, but the image of the girl he loves stays the same, ageless and immortal. After reading this I really understood how (at least in this case), someone could develop this "perversion". Humbert may be in his 40's, but his love for Annabel remains.. and in my opinion, there is nothing sick about that. The wrong - as society would call it - begins when he sees a girl resembling his Annabel. Lolita.

So in short.. I was just thinking about how easy it is to become "a creep", "a pervert", or whatever names are used to describe someone like Humbert.
I began thinking about how behind every "pervert", there's a story, a reason why. Granted not all are as easily understood, or have as good of a reason as Humbert...... but some are/do.

I had a discussion a while ago with someone, about gays and criminals. (trust me, i am not one to EVER put those two words in the same sentence). About how studies show that for these people, more often than not they are born with a genetic disposition that make them "that way". Just like I was born afraid of violence, a criminal can be born with a thirst for it. Just like I was born attracted to men, gay men can too see the same attractive qualities in men that I do. (while on the subject, I believe I'm attracted to beauty, and not gender).
In this discussion, my friend was talking about how saying "i was born this way" is used as an excuse more than a reason. For example someone could, without reason, go out and kill a child and just say "i was born this way, i feel the need to kill". Basically, I think his point was.. "Why is it that for criminals we do not allow that excuse, and yet for gay people, we do".
My argument is and was that, I believe one IS an excuse because it is used with the intention of hurting people, and the other.. is simply a reason. A truth. An explanation of why one would live his life the way that he does. "I eat because I'm hungry, I dance because I'm happy, I kiss men because I find them beautiful".
Then my friend went on to say "well, criminals though born with that violent nature can be trained not to give in to those harmful desires... isn't it the same for gays?"
I, personally, don't think so. All you need to do to not be a criminal, is just not commit a crime. Its not the same for gay people. Even if a man never sleeps with another man, doesn't his attraction and his "sexual preference" for them make him gay? If the definition of "gay" is simply to be attracted to a person of the same sex, then for people like this, it's just who you are, not what you do.

I hate. HATE. When gays are compared to criminals. I don't see any difference WHATSOEVER between someone who is gay and myself. If anything, I see similarities. If anything, I see courage. If anything.... I would be envious of their certainty. How many people know exactly, without a doubt, who they are and what they want?

Labels aren't usually good. But if the label "gay" has ever done any good for the people that it describes... at the very least it's given them a feeling of belonging, assurance, and pride.

If I could have a single word that would describe me to the outside world, I'd love to hear it.

I love all kinds of people - Those who live lifestyles I agree with, and those who don't, because I was born this way.
I hate violence, because I was born this way.
I love controversy and challenges, because I was born this way.
Change scares me - but I would never stop it, because I was born this way.

I feel that the most purpose of my life here on Earth, is to love..... because I was born this way.